Jokes King – Have you ever noticed?
Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a moron.”
Jokes King – You have to stay in shape.
My grandmother, she started walking five miles a
day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where
the hell she is.”
Jokes King – “A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in
Jokes King – “Don’t spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation
Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it
back for seventy-five cents.”
Jokes King – “I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”
Jokes King – “Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? But
when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.”
Jokes King – I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales dumbo!”
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”
That’s about as far as I remember.
Jokes King – Two days ago, my friend Peter ran off with my wife.”
“Oh no, how long have you been friends?”
“Since two days ago.”
Jokes King – A teenage boy to his father: “Father I am not a virgin anymore”
Father: “Wow that’s great. Come let’s sit down and drink something to celebrate this moment”
Son: “Ok, I can drink with you but I really can not sit down for a while”
Jokes King – At a swimming pool: Three guys climb a high-dive tower and meet a good fairy who offers to fulfill a wish for each of them. One jumps and says, “Beer!” – and the pool is full of beer. The other one jumps, says, “Money!” and the pool is full of money. The last one starts to jump but slips and, falling, yells, “SHIIIIIIT!!!”
Jokes King – Joke for mothers: When your first child eats some earth, bit of grass or a worm, you take it to a doctor. When your second child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you spit on a hankie and clean it. When your third child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you wonder whether it still needs lunch.
Jokes King – What should you do when you see a spaceman?
You just park in it, man.
Jokes King – The urologist is about to leave his office and says: “Ok, let’s piss off now.”
Jokes King – Two men are discussing their lives. One says, “I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear.” The other one says, “Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons.”
Jokes King – A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his company for embezzlement of many millions. At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly reassured him: „Don’t worry, you’ll never go to jail with that amount of money.“
And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, he didn’t have a penny anymore.
Jokes King – Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he’s heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they’re going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two ‘dogs.’ The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
“Which part did you get?”
King Jokes – I’ve always thought my neighbors were quite nice people. But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.
King Jokes – What do driving and dating have in common?
Both end up with you being chased by the police if you go too fast.
King Jokes – Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave. The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.
I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”
He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”
King Jokes – An optimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks it’s an exit. A pessimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and assumes it is an onrushing train. The train conductor sees two stupid guys staggering on train tracks.
King Jokes – A guy calls the fire department and yells excitedly: “You have to come, now, there’s a fire!” “OK sir, but please tell us how do we get to you.”
The man asks, puzzled: “What, you don’t have them big red trucks anymore?”
King Jokes – Two friends are talking, one says: “Man, I fell off a thirty-foot long ladder yesterday.” “Oh no, dude, are you alright?!” inquires the other one, shocked. “Yeah, I’m OK, I was only on the second rung then.”
King Jokes – Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.” “Really? Why do you think so?” asks the despairing one. “I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”
King Jokes – “Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?”
“No, not a soul, actually.”
“Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!”
King Jokes – The Princess in the castle prison spots the Frog and tells him “Let me kiss you my dear Frog, so you can turn into the handsome Prince that will recue me! “. The Frog takes a hit from a joint, and removes his Oakley glasses to reply; “Ahhh, that was in the old story. Now you have to give me a blow job”
King Jokes – Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, “Red, I’m going to fuck your brains out!” To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a.44 magnum. She pointed it at him and said, “No you’re not! You’re going to eat me, just like it says in the book!”
King Jokes – Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, “You say here that your wife is crazy.” Mickey replied, “No I didn’t. I said she is fuckin’ Goofy.”
King Jokes – Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they had sex. Pinocchio therefore went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, “How’s the girlfriend?” Pinocchio replied, “Who needs a girlfriend?”
King Jokes – The Lone Ranger and tonto were riding through the prarie when all of a sudden tonto stops and puts his ear to the ground, The Lone Ranger says “What are you doing tonto?” Tonto says ” kemosabbie, buffalo come” The Lone Ranger then says, “how can you tell?” Tonto replies ” ear sticky”
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